I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
