Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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