omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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