I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
