also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
