So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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