Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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