If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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