I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
