If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
