Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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