just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The air taste purple.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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