i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
