i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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