Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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