why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he fucked my hip out of place.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
