I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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