You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
