Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
