every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
