time to smoke my breakfast
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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