Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
