I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
