She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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