I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
