There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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