Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
