i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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