Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
