i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
