I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
