I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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