Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And then my night got REAL pukey
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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