My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
