My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
