I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
