a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
