i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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