Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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