Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
