I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
