party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
