you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
