So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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