Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
