Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
