God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
