Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
