I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
