dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
