you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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