Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
