Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
