Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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