My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
