I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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