I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
