so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
