Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
